Falling at Your feet.

Have you ever felt yourself mature? Felt yourself grow into a new creation. Your arms and legs stretching to fit this new body.  Your mind morphing into this stronger weapon, sharpening your reactions, your reasoning and perceptions. Your mouth, tightening, holding back it's foolish tongue. Trapping the gossip, and the slander. Forcing the quiet to emanate from you, and bring a sense of calm into your aura. Your heart, softened, but strong willed. Beating fresh life into your veins. Have you ever felt God wake up inside of you, and possess you? Breathe His life into your weary, pathetic body and rouse you with His Word. Set you upright, brush you off and send you walking. Run his big strong hands through you like a strainer, removing the poison of your past, and replacing those dead seeds with fresh growing life. I've never breathed air so fresh. Tasted food so pure. Lived on blood so clean.
I've been told by many people that the pathway to joy and purpose is through Jesus Christ, but never felt it, on the deep insides of me, like this. A pulsing beating energy, alive and full. A living vibration, coursing through my flesh, my mind, my heart. Genuinely, experiencing Him, as a reality in my body. Intimate and  almost, romantic. Guiding me with his voice, spoken in the heart, firm and absolute. There is one reason I came to sit down and write today, I want to express this time of pain and growth. Through the power of Jesus. To give insight, into the journey I'm walking and why I wish this for every single person on this planet. Not because I'm some Bible thumping creepo, or because I'm this Evangelistic powerhouse trying to save the world. Because, I'm a prime example, of a person, labeled the opposite of all these titles, and never would have thought God was willing or even capable to change me the way He has. I viewed Christianity as this self-righteous frat house, and religion as well conformed lies. Maybe it is, but that doesn't matter to me anymore. The only thing that matters to me, is becoming as much like Christ as humanly possible, while I'm alive on this earth. Making that decision, because as each day goes by, it becomes all the more alive and real, that Jesus, is indeed, the way, the truth, and the life. He has re-built my heart, and set my vision right. Made me whole and beautiful. Given me purpose and love.  This earth breaks my heart and sends me reeling most days, unless I will my heart to be absolved by the truth of Jesus. In all honesty, nothing makes sense to me without Jesus. Through all my searching, and personal agony, only one person, brings it all together for me. Jesus. My addictions, my insecurity, depression, anxiety, restlessness, insomnia and trauma. All soothed, and set right by Him. He's made a home inside of me, and holds me together. Growing into this vined tree, reaching through my soul, pushing me forward and pouring forth His strength. Wisdom. Humility. Grace. Setting me free. This awful, consuming world we live in, melts away when I'm with Him. Molding my vision and perspective into one of grace. Where I can breathe again, and put down the weight of control our society so respects. I've learned that the ways of the world are childish and unfufilling. I want nothing to do with it. I watch people rat racing their lives, stacking themselves against one another, and just shake my head in sadness. How awful, for this to be our worlds goal. To devour ourselves, and glutonize our lives. Do you really find satisfaction in your wallet, furniture and name brand clothing? Conforming into this blinded, marching people, that work to live and live to work. Career driven drones, counting down the hours of their work day, only to come home to stiff glasses of whiskey, and kids that drive them crazy. To bills and a stay at home wife, who pops anti-depressants, convincing herself this is the way to feel normal. One day, she'll have her life back, just have to get through this five year plan. To buy stuff,  that at some point, end up owning you, so you can show them off to your friends and in your immaturity, feel superior, and ahead of the game.  This is what I'm turning my back on, and turning my face upward. Toward the light, to be filled with it whole hearted, and reach out my hands to the ones around me, and be light to them. I'm embracing the uniqueness of this vision, and with Jesus at my side, building a new reality. One that, will deny those lies, and says yes to unity. Unity with God, with the people around me and with myself. This commitment, valued all the more since the news of my Grandmothers cancer. Have you ever lived day to day with a person so broken they don't even look you in the eye anymore? Day in day out, watching them struggle to get out of bed. To smile, to eat. Holding her hand in mine, hers shaking and cold. The hand of the woman who helped raise me, loved me unconditionally, and when I speak to her of Jesus, she cries. Not tears of joy, tears of a broken heart, abandoned and alone. Like a child she sits, asking me where He's gone, and if He'll ever come back to her. Her eyes wide and full of tears, looking to me for the answers. For the soothing touch, and calming voice she craves so deeply. A woman, 88 years old, walking the end path of her life. Death, creeping up behind her, whispering lowly, scary things in her ear. The enemy, holding her down, and she looks to me for release. If I we're a weaker woman, walking alone, it would break me. I would run away from her, in my fear and pain, and turn my back. This story unfolding day by day, carries the weight of a thousand tons. What does one say? what are the perfect words? They do not exist. The only thing that exists in a situation such as this, is God. I want to breathe God in so deeply, that when she looks at me, she sees Him. I want to sacrifice myself, in totality, and walk the path of righteousness. So much so, that my Grandma cannot deny the light inside of me. That through me, she can believe again, and reach out for His ever open hand. I've wanted this for myself, for years, and so my motives are also personal. Although, watching her be this way, has propelled my desire all the more. Pushing me forward, towards Him, escalating my ever growing desire to be inside Christ in all ways. Of course it's her choice, in her own free will, to do as she pleases under God. But I will not fall under the weight of her reality, or others. I will hold strong in prayer, and my convictions, allowing Jesus to bring Himself to life inside of me, and relying on the power of The Holy Spirit to express itself through my mouth and actions. This is what I want above all else, and even if she doesn't see, and decides to accept things in the light she chooses, then so be it. God will bring her home, regardless of my actions, and all will be as it should. This is the freedom I speak of, to no longer have great concerns and the desire to bare control. To no longer, carry weapons, and fight against the world, and letting God do it for me. Finding peace in the will of God, for it is the only place peace can be possessed. Absolute and tangible. It might sound like an impossible task, and it would be, if I weren't walking beside Jesus, and willing my heart towards His desire. It would be, if we're relying on my own intellect and wisdom. But I'm not, I'm falling at his feet, whole hearted, admitting my weakness, and asking Him to replace it with His power. With his guiding hand, and his eternal heart. So that no matter how heavy it gets, as my Grandma goes through surgery, and as the cancer grows inside of her. I am with her. I am not wavering, but solid and standing firmly in the roots Jesus has given me. That I can speak life into her sick body, and portray grace and acceptance in all my actions. That with me, she need not hide. Not fight, but rest. This is the fresh life pulsating through my veins. The clean blood running through my body. The cool air filling my lungs. The strength and wisdom building up my heart. Jesus. Hold me while I cling to you, and guide me into all truths, that I may do your will. Without your will, this earth is dark and deep waters. See me as a willing partner, and if you don't honour what you see, then change me. I'm willing. I'm here. I am nothing, but an empty shell without You. With You, I am REAL. Tangible, full and alive. Help me bring that to my Grandmothers feet. That she may be washed by your grace, and healed by your forgiveness. You are raw, and real Jesus. Firm and beautiful. Powerful and overwhelming. Alive in truth. Hot blazing fire, and cool soothing water. Life. A pulsating under current of all things on earth. Acknowledged or not, but very much the perfect reality. I see you. I honour you. I desire you with every cell of my existence, and search for you in all my ways, and when I don't, change me. Change me Jesus. I'm willing. I'm here. My love, continue to put this world right in my eyes. Make me a beacon of your unconditional love, your grace. Your peace. I'm tired of the heavy burden this life carries, and all I want is You. You are all my hope and joy. I'm counting on You, Jesus. I'm going to miss her so much when You come to take her home. Please, help me, bring her a miracle, in this life, on this earth. I want to see her smile, one real and full, and beautiful smile before shes enveloped by your light and beauty. Absolved into the never ending vastness of your love, while I continue here, on earth...