Jesus,
I can't do this anymore. I need a place to stand. Bring me my foundation. Please Father, I'm ready. I'm so tired. I need to rest. I'm tired of fighting every day, pushing, to keep my head above water. I'm drowning Jesus. Pull me out...please.
I knelt there for a long time, tears running down my face. Sketchy, drained and weary. Holding onto the last thing I could, Jesus Christ. Pulling fiercely at his love. Cocaine, alcohol, and ecstasy running through my veins, poisoning me. Laughing at me. Chewing away at the little self-respect I had left. Half of the woman I was meant to be. A sketchy junkie, thin and emaciated. Running around the city with criminals and bottom feeders. Coming home to my parents, when the cocaine had run out, drinking myself into oblivion, just to get some sleep. Waking up the next day, only to restlessly, do it over again. Pale white skin, with matching rib bones, protruding from my sides. Starved body, starved soul. A mind and heart, hardened and raped by drugs.
The next day, sitting in front of my computer, My Space splashed across the screen, I stumble on the picture to my left. After a couple glasses of wine, or an entire bottle for that matter, I message the artist. This is the first time, I've ever reached out on a social network, and I feel like some creeping weirdo. Never mind that his user name is Skank..lovely.
I just had too say something though, far too talented to go unnoticed.
That night, I have this crazy vivid dream. I'm suddenly walking through the mountains. It's quiet and eerily still as the snow falls gently around me. Kind of like that scene in Kill Bill, when Uma Thurman has that bad ass fight scene with Lucy Lui. That stillness. Like if you move to quickly you'll disrupt nature. It's beautiful here, and even the cold doesn't bother me. I feel this gust of wind, powerful and chilled. Looking up to the sky, I see this huge black griffin. Wings outstretched, gliding with all might along the clouds. I'm frozen in fear and surprise. I've never seen a griffin before, not in the movies, not on t.v, not that I can remember. It's so stunning, and sleek. So powerful. I'm shockingly intimidated so I don't even move, hardly even breathe. Swooping down from the sky, it lands about ten feet away from me. Shaking out its glorious wings, as settles down to rest. I want to touch it so bad, but I'm terrified. As I'm thinking this, the griffin turns it's grand and statuesque face towards me, and through the eyes, motions to me to come over. It's alright, it says, with those mighty eyes. Slowly and with all caution I tread over to this majestic beast, and run my hand along it's ink black feathers. Admiring it's strength and royal demeanor. He stretches out his magnificent wing and wraps it around me, nuzzling me in it's warm, muscular chest. I can hear the heart, beating loudly in it's warm cave. Soothing and safe. The snow no longer touching me, the mountains a distant memory as I close my eyes, and feel guarded. Sheltered. Like I'm cocooned from all harm, and free to let go. Free to rest. I do, and fall asleep there, with the griffin, it's wings enveloping me, there in the mountains.
For all of you, who know me, you already know that the above painting, was skillfully painted by my husband Monty. My powerful griffin perched in the mountains, shielding me with it's wings. Not to mention, that Monty's actually from Eagle River, Alaska. A small town surrounded by mountains. That from the moment I met you, I've felt guarded by you. Protected, and shielded. You've been holding my hand from the moment I sent you that message. Your big, warm tattooed hand. Your warm beating heart, wrapping itself with mine. I'd never felt that way before. I have now, every single day since you walked into my world. The griffin dream putting to life the foundation to come. The acceptance, and love you would humbly offer. Free to rest. Free to breathe. To be loved.
The opportunity to give myself a shot, at waking up and choosing to live. At a chance to have a family. At giving birth to our son, our handsome, compassionate and astoundingly perfect boy, Landon. You gave me the trust and honour I needed to believe in myself as a mother. As a person. As a woman. You've been my soft spot to land, my warm cozy blanket.My heart.Without you, I would never have been able to heal, inside God, within our family or within myself. You are the first person, I have put down my weapons with, and smashed down walls for. I am committed to you in ways I can't even express, and would never leave your side or dishonour you in any way. I believe, with all my heart and soul, that you and I, and our son deserve all the the things in life God has for us, and I commit in front of God, and to you, to continue to grow and honour our family with all my ability. When it hurts, when it doesn't, and even when I can't go another day. Life, seems so short to me suddenly, watching my Grandma with her illness. I want us, to have more. All the things available to us. My dreams for our family are vast and exciting. Even in this place of pain we've been in, as of late. With so much sadness surrounding us, it's only fueling me forward. I'm tired of being held back by circumstances. I want to break free with you baby, and spread the amazing light we have to offer. I love you so much. I'm so sorry for holding back, and not letting you in. That's over as of this moment, and it's all for us my love, for Landon, for God. In honour of life, of Jesus, of us, and everyone surrounding us. We can do it baby, we can do it. This time we'll have it it all. Showing you all all the cards, giving you all my heart. Again, and over and over. 'Til Kingdom come, Monty.
I'm standing next to YOU...and I want everyone to know it. You are amazing. Unique in the most admirable way. Honourable and morally sound. Strong in your quiet wisdom, and patience. Full of Grace and loyalty. My best friend. My dream was right, with you, there's freedom. There's rest and safety. Standing with you, inside Jesus, all things are possible.
Thank you for giving me a place to stand Monty.
Thank you for being the man of honour I needed in my life, loving me and lifting me up.
Thank you for letting me screw things up sometimes, so I have the space to learn from my mistakes.
Thank you for being who you are in my life, and in our sons life.
Thank you for choosing to be a man of God, even when it's hard.
Thank you, for all you do, in all the ways you do it, because I admire the way you do things.
I love you,
Always have,
Always will,
xo,
The hot Canadian ;)
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