Its 10 pm on a Tuesday night. I have to work in the morning, but since I don`t start till 11am, this pitcher of beer in front of me is looking even more appealling. Im wearing heavy black eyeshadow and a bitchy punk rock tshirt. My chucks are visibly dirty and my nails are covered in black polish. Im texting everyone I know to come meet me, cause Im bored and need serious distraction. This world is boring and underdramatic, and the beer will releive that. I chug. Wait for replies to my texts, no one is awnsering, I feel unpopular, I chug. I wonder how the other people in this dingy bar percieve me, hopefully as mysterious and a girl you dont eff with. Thats what I was going for anyways...and I feel satisfied with that. I chug. By the time midnight rolls around, Im taking to people I hardly know, and probably if I was sober wouldnt even like. But Im distracted from my inner bullshit and my outer facade so thats all that matters. In the morning I wake up sick as shit, eyeshadow running down my not so rested face and probably still wearing my dirty chucks in bed, wondering what time I got home. I feel depressed, insecure and lonely. But I wont tell anyone, probably still post the pics of last night to facebook, just to prove I have a life. Wow. Im pathetic. I know better then to do this, so much so that when I was done my make up last night and gave that final look in the mirror...I said aloud..great job Ang. Knowing I was gonna do this anyways, and have no control over my insatiable need to numb out. That at this point, alcohol has the control,and Im too weak to even fight it anymore. This makes me hate myself even more. Pfft, like I needed another reason. At this point, Im likely very late for work, and am about to get fired AGAIN. wow, im a winner. Im sure this sounds familiar to some of you. This was deff my reality for a long time, not to mention that two years I fell in love cociane, but well touch on that another day. Its been 4 months since I had a drink, okay I lie, I had three in thunderbay last weekend....and to be honest, it did nothing for me. Cept make me restless and unable to sleep properly. Which reafirmed the stuffs poisen for me...and Im not saying Ill never drink again...I am saying though..that Ive come to a very serious reality about alcohol. It lies to me man. The big fat stinking liar it is. It says...drink me...like in alice and wonderland..drink me and youll be free. Drink me and youll have fun. Drink me and youll be confident. HEY ALCOHOL!!!! SCREW YOU!!!!! you dont even like me, your not my friend...you want nothing good for me. You wanna see me fail, and then make fun of me for it. Cause isnt that always the case...it suckers you in, then late at night or early in the morning it laughs at you. It says hahaha Ang..you did it again loser!!!!! it says, youll never get rid of me, your too weak. Your pathetic. And for a long time I beleived these lies...I aloud myself to fall victim to it, and not take personal responsibilty for my actions. Well I have now alcohol, and you can kiss my ass goodbye. Your little and pathetic, and I dont need you. What I do need though, is freedom. I do need to give myself a chance to have fun without you, I do need to find who I am without you. I do need to be able to say Im cool with being sober...and mean it. So here`s to giving you the finger alcohol...heres to throwing it back in your little glass face and saying, Im done. Go lie to someone else and get off my back...then standing up and being willing to be uncomfortable for a while. To saying no to that glass of wine at get together, even when I feel insecure, and just trying. To being that sober quiet girl in the corner if thats what I have to do. Not falling into the pressure of my peers, or feeling like I owe it to people to be the life of the party...cause even when I was sitting infront of that pitcher on a tuesday night, and I WAS the life of the party, it wasnt me. Maybe Im not that funny, maybe Im not that social...and thats okay. And you know, maybe I am, and just have to find that girl in me again, the one who doesnt need liquid courage to be fun and free. Maybe God IS all I need now. And that is an AMAZING blessing....oh and the fact that hangovers blow chunks. Just sayin.
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