Prove me crazy?

I want to start off with one thing.
One very important thing.
You may not believe a word I say in this entry.
Now that I've put that out there, I want you to know this isn't easy for me. I want you to know, I'm struggling with the idea of even telling you this...but...I'm gonna tell you anyways. It begins with a plane ride. This one fateful plane ride to a rehab facility in Aurora, Ontario. A tiny little town, that if you took one second to press shuffle on your i pod, you'd miss it. Its just that small. I was sixteen years old. Angry as hell, and completely lost. I had been given two options at the time, 2 years probation, or entering the rehab and finishing the program. Initially I had said a big F-U to both options and just took off and hit the streets. I spent three months in the dirty ends of downtown Ottawa before I wrecked myself and had no other options left but to surrender to the authorities in my life, and get on that damn plane. I was 95 pounds when I boarded that flying machine, the effects of acid, alcohol and street life had eaten my body to twigs. I had nothing left to give or even take. I was sickeningly empty. I left by myself, and arrived alone.
I'm not gonna sit here and say the rehab was an amazing place. Nor am I gonna say they even helped me, 'cause they honestly didn't. Other then teaching me more concrete surviving skills( not the pro-active kind either) and giving me a place to live. They broke me down, and tried to build me back up. They succeeded in breaking me down, but left me on the ground. This whole building me back up thing, was laughable. I didn't trust one person in that place, and to this day still have nightmares of being forced to go back there.  Surprisingly, now that Ive actually spent time in adult prison, I would have rather spent my time there. At least in prison most people are solid, and don't play games behind your back. If someone has a problem you'll know about it, no surprises. Sounds wack, I know. I just hated this place.. THAT much. Still do, obviously.
So what's this friggin' crazy secret your gonna tell me Ang...
Well, it's the only good thing that happened to me there. It lasted about two minutes in totality, and has dramatically changed my entire existence on this planet. Heavy right? haha yes. It truly is that big. That enormous. To me.
There was one, and one person only I respected at  the facility. This man, who just the thought of brings a smile to my face, was the Father of the church I attended while being held captive in this hell hole. Initially I only said yes to the offer of attending church, 'cause I could get three extra smoke breaks if I did. Classy right? whatever gets you there I guess. This guy was after my own heart, he smoked two packs a day, and always had a cup of coffee in his hand. He was sarcastic, hard, soft, and the best cook. Once every three months, he would gather up some of the kids to have dinner at his house. It was the only time we could just be ourselves and chill the eff out for a minute. Where we weren't held accountable every second of the damn day and could just breathe. We weren't judged or knocked around, we could just be human. Which at the facility seemed outlawed. So to say the least he grew on me, and so did the church. I actually DID escape at church, and not from smoking in the back parking lot...from falling in love with Jesus. Nobody really had to tell me how awesome Jesus was, it was something that just began to grow inside of me, and I was literally heartsick for Him from the moment I said aloud, I love you. So here comes the big secret.
It was nine p.m, and we had finished our multitude of tedious chores, so, bedtime. Yay.. bedtime at nine. I'm like seven again. I couldn't stand any of the dumb ass girls in my room, seriously, the giggling, the boy talk, and the gossip made me want to knock them all out. So, I would roll over and stare at the wall until the lights went out and finally.....quiet.
This is when I would talk to Jesus. I remember, just tears falling out of my eyes as I repeated His name over and over. Why I was doing this, I don't know. I just missed him that much I guess. I said to Him, Jesus it's just not fair. How can I love you so much, when Ive never even met you. Ive never seen you, hugged you, or held your hand. I was utterly in love and heartbroken. This is what happened....
I heard a voice in my heart, it said...close your eyes. I did this immediately. Didn't think about where the voice came from or what was going on. Total trust. I felt myself become very light. Then with my eyes closed, I saw the light. The brightest most astounding light I have ever seen and probably ever will see. Out of this light came a man. His face, beautiful. His body dressed in white.....dressed in light? The light emanating from behind Him was miraculous, like holy white fire. I lost all breath in my lungs and wanted to fall to my knees, but realized I couldn't feel them. His arms were outstretched to me, like someone walking up to hug you. He was and is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. He looked to me like the paintings I had seen as a child, not the wretched, painful Jesus we see on the cross, but the gentle, inviting Jesus you see with kid eyes. It was then, that I was lowered back into my body. I only say this because I remember suddenly feeling my weight again, and feeling the crappy mattress under my shoulder blades. I went to touch my face, finding my breath again, and it was completely wet. My shirt, wet. Like I had just cried a kegs worth of tears. Tears of utter joy and peace. I remember thinking to myself, no effing way did that just happen...sitting up in my bed with my mouth all slack jawed in shock. Did Jesus seriously just listen to me?and then...like...show...himself. Like...to...me. Yeah dude, he did. He so actually just did. You can understand why I don't go around telling people this right? You know how many people would just blow me off as a liar? As an attention getter...as someone who thinks they're all self righteous. Lot's. It really sucks. 'Cause shouldn't people want to accept this as a possible reality? And it's not even so much as people just not wanting to believe me, but people taking great relief in proving me crazy. Thing is though, it wouldn't make a diff to me in the slightest. Nobody can take this away from me, and wouldn't even care if you tried. There is nothing special about me to deserve this. I make sense of it by saying, well Ang, Jesus actually really cares about how you feel. He cared about those tears falling from my eyes, of that broken heart in my chest. He saw the genuine desire to know Him and He came. I didn't do anything unique to deserve this,but believe. I was still a rotten, rage infested teenager who didn't trust the world. He came anyways. Why? cause people are His passion. People are beautiful and deserving of all things. People are an amazing creation of love. I mean look at us, look what were made of, our hearts, our minds, bodies and souls. The way we feel and see. The crazy ass lives we go through, the struggles and the intensity. Our creativity and immense compassion. Our babies, our breath and our blood. It's astounding the things we face and over come. Through Jesus, Im insanely in love with huminaty. We all should be. Shouldn't we? I think so. So yes guys, Ive seen and met Jesus, face to face. Yes, these things DO happen, it's not just left for the Bible. Jesus is the same now, as He was then and forever will be. It's just my truth. He's in love with you, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. He listens to you, whether or not you want to listen to Him. I'm not at all implying you have to believe what I believe, I just sat down here today to tell you a story. Your journey is your own, I only wish for each one of you a sense of purpose and abundance in this decadent and messy world. It's a hard place to live man, and we can get lost so easily. I know I have, like a million times. So, here's to people, you are all amazingly beautiful, talented and powerful....an astoundingly precious race. Here's to US.